Teenagedom... the agony and the ecstasy
For several years, in my pre- and early teens, I began to experience the disturbing realizations that people were not always in a place of pure intent. Call me gullible and naive, yet my early life had demonstrated that it was 'safe' to be in these places of openness and honesty, even when I had problems explaining my experiences to my parents. They didn't change their behavior toward me just because I didn't always make 'sense' to them. So, I found conflict in words and actions of others, based on personal desires and wants apparently incongruent with the needs of the moment. I can explain this much better now as an adult and I've witnessed great strides in self awareness permeating the desires of both personal and public environments in others as well.
The realizations were still there as a child, as I was extremely curious about relationships and understanding motivations. My parents already knew that my IQ was off the scale from the tests I had participated in during grade school, although they had not shared this information with me until my late twenties. I grew up just like many other young boys in the Midwest, being on the edge of rural and city life, playing in the woods one day and Master Councilor of our local DeMolay chapter the next. I was held to high standards, internally by my natural desire and externally by my surroundings and their natural patterns. Interspersed throughout these years were occasional experiences that were just plain off the charts of explanation or articulation. I had my DSM-(not sure what the number was then) experiences and refused to accept these experiences as any kind of psychosis or abnormal neurotransmitters. They just seemed part of my 'normal' life and now as an adult it makes perfect sense with quantum sciences and metaphysical reviews.
I actually got to the point where I longed for the [paranormal] experiences as though they were a necessary part of the happiness I felt in my life. I must confess my home life was fairly ideal, with parents who really cared about my well being and happiness. As adoptive parents, they truly wanted to be the best parents they could be. By the time I was 18, in spite of my experimentations I'd graduated 10th in my class of 300+ and was preparing to enter the pre-med program at Ball State University. I'd tested out of 5 quarters through the CLEP tests, so I started as a 6th quarter sophomore. I was still a fairly cocky young kid, mostly because I'd already recognized my natural intellectual prowess and tended not to give it the full reverence it deserved, nor did I appreciate my natural athletic ability.
Rather than honor my cranial capacity, I played with it like a toy and fed it things that made it effervesce and tingle the sensory array I'd found. Inadvertently, it opened a lot of new doors just like Aldous Huxley proposed in 'Doors of Perception.' I was reading a lot on consciousness development from many perspectives at the time, being especially fond of Carlos Castaneda's work. Although I did experiment with various psychotropics with profound 'inner' experiences, they were not involved in my profound 'outer' experiences. 'What about the residuals?' you might ask. Did I have any flashbacks? Well I have to admit that is possible, although I don't think 'residuals' account for the continuing growth in awareness as an adult. Experiments in ESP or similar types of psychospiritual technologies go way beyond drug induced euphoria.
About midway through the first quarter I was reading about allies, guides, guardian angels, and such in one of Castaneda's books. I was in a contemplation/meditation one evening and found myself exploring the concepts more in depth. My mind was extremely active with questions, ponderings, and at times videos that seemed to combine my feelings and thoughts into an observable outpicturing. This particular night I asked if there was a guide or ally that I could speak with, what his name was, what he looked like, etc. because we are all supposed to have at least one, from what I'd researched and found in many sources. Well about a week later I was in another meditation, eyes closed and in deep in the release of thought, when the name Zephyr and an old Indian's face appeared in the center of my vision. His eyes were like coal, deep and piercing to the depths of my soul, yet warm and inviting to those willing to enter.
A few days later, I wrote 3 pages in what appeared to be something similar to Sanskrit while listening to George Harrison's 'Living in the Material World' album one afternoon. I heard a voice just prior to the writing that simply said, 'Pick up a pen and paper and write.' So I did. Initially I did not show it to anyone. I thought it might have had something to do with Zephyr so I spoke to another dorm mate that I knew was much more metaphysically gifted than myself, especially in the ability to communicate through automatic writing. Through this gifted friend, we were able to ascertain that Zephyr was from what is now the southwest US and lived nearly 30,000 years ago as a Priest/King of his civilization. I've lived in Arizona for over two decades as a result of my continuing inquiry.
Another couple of weeks passed and after my first quarter of attendance I returned home to ask my high school sweetheart to marry me. I had 'broken up' with her before going to school because I didn't want to violate my integrity (in my own mind) in case I became attracted to another girl. Yeah, well, teenagers don't have a lot of wisdom you know and the girls I met were only reminding me of my young love. In any case, I went to her house during quarter break specifically to ask her to marry me, only to find out that she was already married...in just 9 weeks. I was devastated and heart-broken, much as she probably was by my previous actions, only I didn't think about the consequences before I made my previous choice. Remember, teenagers don't have a lot of emotional wisdom yet. They have barely started to ask the right questions, let alone understand and apply the answers.
I returned to school with my whole life ahead of me and I felt like I had nothing to live for now. I hadn't explored what 'love' meant on those levels yet and the emotional attachment I had developed threw me for a loop when I had to detach. I went inside and withdrew from my emotional quagmire. I was silent for a time, even in the classroom, where I'm usually quite interactive and even outspoken. So, one evening I knelt in prayer and asked, "Heavenly Father, I want to know what TRUTH is and I am willing to die for it if necessary." It was a most intense prayer because I called out from the depths of the intensity within me. I don't really know if many go through this, especially at that age. As I found later, most people wait until their mid-40s to really begin this depth of search for connection with life. Strange as that may seem, the outer world has a profound affect on the development of the inner connections, or lack of them, due to the challenges and struggles involved.
The following week I returned to my dorm room from daily classes and was listening to Journey's first album, laying across my dorm room bed in a pseudo-meditative state. Yes, I'd had a couple of bong hits as well. I don't understand why as an adult now, we often feel embarrassed at our behavior as youth. I'm amused and confused at how honesty can keep us outside looking in, even as adults. During the third song on their album, In the Morning Day, there was a creative pause after the lyrics ended and a moment before the rest of the song's 'jam' was played out.
I heard that familiar Voice say, "Bruce (my given adoptive name), are you willing to die for what you believe in?" Immediately the Voice had my attention and I thought for a moment about what I believed in strongly enough to give up my life. Jesus Christ was it... Christ Consciousness... Cosmic Consciousness... not as organized religion knows him... only as I knew CC to be much more than most comprehend. So I agreed..."Yes!" That took all of about a second. The whole exchange seemed to happen almost instantly. Replaying the song later and noticing the time in between the lyrics end and the rest of the tune made me realize that the experience was definitely 'out of time.'
Just as I said, "Yes," the music continued with a sound like a rocket ship taking off. Neal Schon is a fantastic guitarist. I felt myself being gently pulled out of my body or I wanted to leave and did (I couldn't really tell the difference) and so I let go and out I went, relaxing into the movement. I didn't feel threatened or fearful in any way. I looked back to see my body laying across my bed. I'd had many OBEs to date so I was familiar with the feeling of leaving, even quite comfortable with it. What I found when I turned back to look where I was going was absolutely awesome. I was totally engulfed in white light... feeling at home, warm, rather effervescent and serene...sublime in glory so to speak. The light was great and wonderful, full of that 'homey' feeling... albeit a bit boring after a few moments. There was no greeting committee, silhouettes or other voices.
I quickly established that I could think, hear, and see, so I knew that I was still very much 'alive' even in this new place that I'd only heard you go to when you die. It seemed to be only full of 'ME' at the time, although it was a much greater ME. I asked, "Is there more?" The 'Light' felt like it contained everything, yet there was 'nothing' for me to experience in that place. I felt another slight movement and found myself in the center of a sphere of pinpoints of light with an indigo background making the points stand out significantly. I could have counted them had I so desired, as there were only a few hundred, or so it appeared in this cosmic scenery.
I could see in any direction simultaneously without sensing any movement. As I pondered these points of light, I recognized that they were points of consciousness, whether in body or not I wasn't sure. I knew I sure wasn't at that time. Just as I made this recognition, the Voice resumed, "These are those that you are to work with in order to facilitate the new world order. It will happen in your lifetime. Know this to be true. Your path will be most difficult, full of trials and tribulations. You will succeed. Trust and have faith that everything you need will be there at the appropriate time. Trust and allow." At the finish of these words I felt another rush of energy, stronger than the other two movements, and found myself gasping for air - in my body once again. I kept my eyes closed for a few moments, totally enjoying the reintegration process as my body felt oh, so wonderful to me.
The feeling of being 'born again' was as great as the feeling in the white light had been. I opened my eyes and wondered what the f.. had just happened to me. I could only relate to the experience as it was... with everything that happened as REALITY... because it was. My mind became the insatiably curious one again, so I went to the campus library in search of empirical data... or something in writing that explained what I just went through. Even though I knew internally, in those depths of understanding beyond mental activity, I still needed the intellectual explanations to help me get a handle on some kind of congruent reality that I could live. What the heck was I supposed to do?
I told my adoptive parents soon after and found myself speaking with a psychiatrist a few days later. They thought I was 'on drugs,' and on 'acid' specifically. Sure, I 'had' been on many an occasion over the last few years, yet I almost wish that I had have been because it would have made it much easier to minimized the experience to some degree. As it was, I simply could not let it go. I suppose the reaction would be normal from people who had no direct experience from which to relate to my own. Just knowing that a person has taken a 'drug' leaves them open for suspicion of constructing a 'fantasy' reality in the eyes of many people. Fortunately, the psychiatrist had some esoteric knowledge and wisdom that allowed him to share some deeper understandings of life with me. My parents would have flipped had they known that he not only did not feel I was 'crazy,' he felt I was going through a 'spiritual awakening' as I had all the classic signs, according to him. What a blessing!
After several appointments/discussions and even a Tarot reading after revealing his inclusion of metaphysics in his practice (not for the general public mind you), he let me know that my best alternative at this time was to just keep my mouth shut. He advised me to calm my desire to share, especially with my adoptive parents who were frightened for my sanity and safety. At the time the shrink told me that most people do not go through an 'awakening' until their mid-40s, if ever, so to have such profound insights, philosophy or statements coming from an 18-year-old would tend to alienate people.
It took me many years to understand his advice and the dynamics of what those few moments truly meant toward my life's mission in accord with the experience of being in the presence of God (or whatever you may call it). I now knew the purpose of my life. That was the easy part. I felt I also had to figure out just how it was all going to happen and what I needed to do to facilitate the process, as I had been told I would. I know from personal experience in raising children and working with adults that freely offering information or insight is not readily accepted unless one has asked specifically for it. I think Jesus called it 'throwing pearls before swine' figuratively. Nobody cares until they find the questions in themselves.
Living that purpose has indeed made my life full of trials and tribulations. According to the psychiatrist, most people never find out what their true life's purpose is, even in their 40s and beyond. Yet, at 18, I was informed of what my purpose for being here was all about. I didn't have to search for it. I just had to live it now. I wasn't concerned as to what that might mean as far as my own identity, future exposure, or how I would be perceived. Now that I'm a little older, I've had many more experiences that have led me down the path of discovery of Self and Identity, and I'm still a bit reluctant to accept the fullness of it, even though it is true beyond any reasonable doubt. What I remain focused on is not the identity... it is the Work. The 'mission' is the most important aspect of my life. To facilitate a new world order based on harmony among people and planet is indeed a life-long process, complete with attending trials and tribulations.
At least I have a plan and I am working toward its achievement, however slowly it may seem. That plan is in overview from elsewhere on our site under the Genesis Abstract link. Maybe it matters who I AM, maybe it doesn't. If it takes standing up and being identified as anything, then it is a small price for helping in bringing harmony to this beautiful world. Harmony is not without conflict although miscommunication, not understanding one another, is usually mislabeled 'conflict.' When one finds themselves in the middle of a messianic complex, they soon realize that it is not just about them or the 'knowledge' they may think they have to share. I've witnessed far too many battles of ego take place even in the metaphysical communities, but things do change.
Harmony is the result of the wise use of it [awareness and understanding] to empower people to work together and collaborate on socially responsible programs and environmentally sustainable living environments, including renewable energy resources. These concepts and ideas are nothing new to the consciousness of mankind. Learning to put down the weapons and use our arms for hugging instead is a giant leap from where we are today. Learning the TRUTH is what I've been doing since that conversation with [God]. It is about pure sharable energy sustained through our hearts, directed by our minds, and made visible through the actions of our bodies... and is a natural as the Sun's rays and photosynthesis. Quantum sciences are now proving just how large a playing field we have at our fingertips.
In fact, our Trinity is as three Suns... super-intellects of light that have created themselves into every atom as protons, neutrons, and electrons of tertiary consciousness in exquisite formations. This consciousness abides in our bodies as we understand the process of Divine Flow, aligning our infinite intelligence Source Within AND Without - inner and outer realities begin to converge. The symbiotic process of self-awareness and self-actualization involves understanding that each heartbeat is a compression and expansion of infinite resourcefulness. As we shine our light on the darkness within, illumination of the mysteries of God occurs and is true 'religion'... re-linking with God/Goddess. This internal consciousness (heart) plays with the silence between the notes, the stillness between each breath, the pause between each thought, the space between each particle of light, the Void- where in the depths of its silence the Voice of Being can be heard. The external consciousness (mind) plays with the process and purpose of the outer world's manifestations in the space of opportunity, the time and seasons, and is often unaware of the worlds within.
I've recently read of cosmic complexologists that are touting the theory of an 'anthropic' (life-friendly) universe, where a super intellect is revealing the process of a universe creating many baby universes. The same philosophy is found in the LDS Church oddly enough. I find it rather interesting that each person can literally create their own universe from birth, and has the cosmic connection within to do so when unimpeded by human-created constraints and dualities. Would that give rise to the philosophy of God/Goddess dwelling in man/woman? What do we do with ourselves then? Just what do sons and daughters of [creator] do when they grow up? How do they grow up? Can we embrace our child-like emotions along with the intellect to manage worlds?